Y .Saturday, October 29, 2005.
Todae.. hmm. Sucky sucky dae. Haish haish haish… mi now.. teary teary.. again.. If I can change the world.. I want the world to be judgeless.. hmmm… was on the phone with may. Was really feeling down.. wanted to acll her.. like tok tok.. see if my mood will change lar.. but sumhow.. things sorta turned worse? Hmm. Like.. from.. sian to sad.. and now tearing..? it’s nt her fault lar. But she herself having bad mood.. so.. hmmm.
It all started with my mum waking mi up at 6am to teach my bro sci. reali thanks a lot a lot. I’m so sleepy when working. Hmmm. Den reach swen.. hmmm. Was like.. out of courtest.. asked ah leong.. if he having bad mood. Cos I saw him like scolding ppl mah. Den.. in the end.. got scolded.. hmmm. Sae that by asking tt qns.. I like sorta ruin his gd mood. In the wae I ask lar. Den still compare mi and may. Ask may to teach mi.. since she undergraduate. And I’m onli a poly stud. Really. Thanks. =S.. I really.. like nth to sae lar.. sumhow.. from ah leong mouth sae de. Like.. quite hurtful lar. Or maybe I should use the word.. VERI hurtful.. like.. can see how they judge mi lar.. as in.. poly stud are nt as gd or smart as JC or undergraduate. Thanks so much. Argh. Den was.. tt stupid mahjeet. Tt stupid idiot manager. Dun noe mam jane employ him for what ar. Can die working with him lar. Haish. Blur like hell. Den act big. Wadda hell.. den den den.. I noe may and hweeteng reali veri pissed off with swensens lar.. haish. I dun noe lar. Like.. feel quite sad lar.. like.. frankly speaking lar.. I noe I do complain abt work and all. But sumtimes, after I complain, I jus forget it de. Work mah. Can’t expect much de. But sumhow.. lately.. they made mi feel that I’m so dumb to be able to like endure all these lar.. like.. what may sae. She can’t take it like to wipe those stuff so.. low. Like.. this job made her feel so.. downgraded kind of ting lar. Like wash toilet and all. But.. sumtimes.. I dun noe ar. I did all that b4.. and I dun really like.. mind lar. Mayb I dun really put much thots into it. Or mayb cos I alreadi used to wiping things here and there le ar. Or even wash toilet. I initially dun like de. But.. now.. I go wash toilet I quite happi. No need to sweep and mop outside. Den go in .. spray water and wash lor.
Den..let ah leong sae that like tt alreadi veri bad le. Huihsia still said smt like.. I.. no one want tt kind of ting. Hmmm. I noe lar.. but sumtimes.. like.. from other ppl mouth sae alreadi feel veri bad le. Still from huihsia de mouth. Basket. Like.. wadda hell lar. Haish. Hmmm.
Den may was saying smt like.. I’m nt suitable for teaching tuition. Hmmm. I dun noe y lar. But like.. to the girls.. I’m like. Really that bad meh. I noe I impatient and all lar short-tempered. But den hor.. like sometings. . different bah. I can’t teach my bro.. doesn’t mean I can’t teach other ppl ar. I’m nt like. Angry cos of this.. or like.. haish. Dun noe hw to sae lar.. haish.. but that.. sumtimes.. I really wonder what kid of person am I to the ppl ard mi. nt sae other ppl. But ppl ard mi. my own friends. My family. I always see myself as the talkative and more.. cheerful gal. Simple. Happi, I laugh, sad I cry. Nt happy, I voice out. Veri democratic. But.. what am I to u ppl. I have no idea. Y can’t ppl have sum confidence in mi when I do tings. Pls. I’m growing up le. No longer the childish clare le. Tt’s how I feel lar. I’m trying to change, trying to grow up.. (mentally.. nt physically.. I’m BIG enuff. ) if u ppl give mi a chance. Argh. I noe my attitude sux.. but.. it’s really hard to change. It all takes time. It does really help with understanding from frenZ. Hmmm.
I’m nt angry at what may said. And it’s nt tt I can’t take comments. Usually this kind of small tings dun really affect mi. but sumhow.. todae.. I jus put a little more thot into it I guess.
Ysd went to bugis with hweeteng and may. Had fun. Shopping ard. Really treasure those happy times with the girls. Took neoprints as well ar. Can’t rem when we 3 became closer.. like what I always sae.. what is the best ting tt can happen in swen is noeing more frens… ppl like my 2 darlings. Den..huda. siti.Jackson. blah blah blah.. Den.. wat spoilt everyting was seeing.. shiyun and ailian. It’s nt like.. spoiling everyting.. but my mood I guess. Hmm. Saw those at bugis junction. And I tink we started shopping at the same mall. Den like.. everywhere oso see them lar.. ailian still smile. And shiyun was shocked. I can see that. And den they jus said like HI. And went off. Everyting was so.. awkward. Kept seeing them ard lar.Den den den.. go home.. raining mah. Met them again. Den.. took the same bus. And they sat 2 seats in front of mi and hweeteng. Den.. like. They saw mi oso. No smile nth, like.. walking past a stranger lar. Hmmm. When we got off the bus right.. they jus walk away. No bye. Nth lei. So heart piercing lor. Like.. frenZ for so so so so long lei. Den like.. we used to be so so gd. Den jus becos of smt.. everyting became like tt. I no longer tink abt those daes le lar. But still. Haish. Kelvin suping they all got sae lar. Nt worth it to like be sad over em lar. Cos.. like since they dun treasure the frenship with mi ar. But seeing the 2 of them like tt .. still veri saddening lar. Haish. I even recall a lot of tings lei. Gg to jurong there to swim. I forgot what tt place is called le. I still rem meiying went too.. I tink ar.. den.. everyting turned so sour. And mi.. still dun noe what exactly happened. Tink partly cos of Kelvin bah. But glad that mi and Kelvin now still on gd terms.. still msged him ysd. To tell him I met them. Den after tt. He saw them at coswae too. Tink they chatted for a while. Cos they saw him and peiying holding hands. Hmmm. I still tell hweeteng lotsa stuff abt them ar. Like.. shiyun and mi used to be so close. Like.. writing e-mails. Den working together. Den. Ailian.. like sit together, crapping with tt lohan fish. Den.. go training together. Lots lei. I still rem tt time go paisr ris. I like sian sian. Ailian still come over and ask y I so sian. Still ask mi if I sad. If I sad. There’s always her there. It’s like.. now recall le really sad de lor. I noe.. now.. I still have hweeteng and may lar… hmmm. I still tell teng teng that.. I fear that one dae. They oso like tt. Jus turn their back to mi. I really fear that. I jus wanna sae.. frenZ. If I do aniting wrong.. jus tell mi k? I dun want to lose frenZ jus like tt.. hmmm. I made thousands and millions of mistakes in the past. Over lotsa ppl. Den quarreled with countless ppl.. but tt was when I was small. Come to tink abt it.. I regret lotsa stuff I did. But like what ppl sae.. it’s always too late for regrets lar. Hmmm.
I’m really tired… of everyting.